Wednesday, July 29, 2009

devilish delights

there is this ad on tv for a mango drink where they show a guy obsessed with mangoes. so much so that he even is wearing a shirt with full blown mangoe print. man do i love the sound of that ad. i mean i so identify with tis mango freak.

summers begin and i begin to ask S 'aam kab aayenge?'knowing too well that nothing would come of it before the downpour.

this season was a little disappointment because the crop hasn't been well. though the dushehris did not disappoint yet my personal favourite langda was hard to be found. the ones that i could find were small in size and it would take a couple of them in one go to satiate my greed for the fruit.

why mangoes are such favourites? there are some oh-so-sweet memories associated with the fruit. one is a childhood memory of palampuriya rains and rushing from school to gran's home for a treat of chusne wale aam. there would be this huge bucket of mangoes that had been soaked for a long time, waiting to be devoured. i still can clearly see the delicate wooden jangla and myself bent over it going for one mango after the another as my granny churns out the harms of an overdose one after the another.

second is a picture of me and my sisters. all engrossed in mango mania, not bothered about the dripping juice, mum's sheets or even our school unoforms' plight.

i haven't ever been bothered by the fact that i might put on weight or upset my stomach if i ever have too many of them. can you really have too many of the yellow, juicy, pulpy, yummy, delightful mangoes??

Thursday, July 23, 2009

its a start

i joined a yoga camp. i am still reeling under the enormity of the truth. i have joined a yoga camp and quite liked it. sri sri yoga. i who considered myself as the most doubting creature as far as this yoga and well being thing is considered. i who laughed at people who make flapping noises while breathe in and out and i who raised an eyebrow at anything 'Jai Ho', i joined a yoga camp.

for the next five days i shall be getting up at about 4.30 am......the one in the morning. walk a kilometer to Moti Ram Arya school in sec 27 and spend the next 2 hours learning to breathe.

why i joined this camp? i knw i have weighty issues but guess what this is not the reason why i am going to give up my beloved sleep. i coaxed myself in to joining this because i sensed the need for a guru. a person who can guide me to become aware of my body and my self.

i find myself in a confused state so often that it is becoming a habit. i need to resolve my doubts and burn a few calories on the way to becoming a better human being.

i also want to better my rotten body clock that doesnt go off till 8 or even 9 in the morning.

most importantly i want to get out of doors and feel the morning wind. i want to be with myself, on my own.

Monday, July 20, 2009

rakhi sawant II

I was thinking that all the reality shows on our indian tv are take offs from international shows but tis one is truly ours. rakhi ka swayamvar- there has nt been anything like this on any tv channel of any country ever before but i do think that paris hilton can copy it and do it for the pleasure of tv viewers all over. wonder how the promos will run? i am tired of having affair after affair. now your very own paris wants to marry and settle. let the child in her splurge and enjoy some more.

thank you list

there are many waays to kneel and kiss the ground.

i have been often told that there is so much in my life for which i should be greatful to god so i thought that today i will kneel.
1. for being born in palampur and enjoying peace, love and nature that are inherent to the surroundings of my city beautiful

2. for meeji. she is the most benevolent, caring, not-so-gentle, loving, accomplished and prettiest grandmother that ever lived on this planet

3. for my pest sister who is a shoulder i have leaned and cried on, my sounding board, and all the things that sisters are meant for

4. for all those who have taught me to read and write- teachers, parents and relatives. i would not have known the joy that comes to me while i do these things had it not for them

5.for my lovely hair- straight and black

6. for my sense of humour

7. for different people who came in my life when i needed guidance and love

8. for my well functioning body parts that have served me well for these 28 yeras

9. for keeping me out of trouble. i could have been in deep shit so many times and i think it has just been pure grace that my life isn't the monsterous reality had i stuck in the jam

10. for the time i spent in dilli and the people i met and befriended

11. for my smile- i like my smile too much.

12. for chunna

13. for hte choices that i have been free to make.

14. for the food. i love my plate

15. for others in the world who have set examples for some other others

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

the rakhi sawant show

i am loving it. it is totally mindless. can do with flickering attention. u can close your eyes and wouldnt have missed a thing. but the romance that is oozing out of the screen and the coy girl that rakhi plays...hats off. i mean i would nt have attributed grace to ms sawant but she has been graceful. i tink that all think that she doesn't have brains of her own but she can come up with some nice snubby comments for her 'hone wale pati' log. many ppl think it is stage managed but are at the same time wondering whom will she wed. i place my bet on elesh.

Monday, July 06, 2009


i am missing having a friend near by. the need to confide, to gossip, exchange woes, talk about infatuations and crushes, have someone to tell me things will get better. suggest ways and options. show me the path. share notes on books, the music. review the films.

i think all the friends that last out after times of seperation are the friends that we need imminently in our lives.

tenz is the fone a friend. we haven't seen each other since past 3 years or so and we rarely call but once we do and start talking about recently read books, new people in our lives- it is difficult to end the conversation.

loveleen is the soup friend. she is warm and heals.

harish is my all weather friend. he listens without interrupting to all my gharelu chik chik. he has never shied from pulling me up when i have been in doldrums. he is the friend whose presence is uplifting.

There is a shield friend. the one who saves you from your own self via empathising and not sympathising. he doesn't let me berate and beat myself.

shagufta is the 'i know you are there for me friend'. we have shared silences, journeys, yum food and becoming mommies.

i miss some people with whom i have lost contact over the time. i miss manisha whose enthusiasm and optimism and her faith in me rejuvenated me like nothing else does. i miss kiran. i miss her all day long yak-yak and wisdom. i miss tikoo.

unfortunately all of these people and some more are busy bodies and geographically far far away. i miss all of them. i miss having the physical comfort of a lap to cry in or lie in after a hard day's work. i miss the playful fight over the bill. i miss the joking backslaps which would turn in to a full game of chase and hit. dear god i need a friend right now to unburden and to learn again laugh out loud.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

story so far

a friend says that i am degenerating because i have stopped to write.I have always known, somehow, that i have to write. it is an essential need but i did not know how it was essential until he said to me that i should not stop to write and articulate. when he said this then i realised what my writing did for me. it helped me articulate my being. it helped me understand my self. i wrote diaries and kept journals not because i needed to recird the events of my life but because it made me get in touch with myself. the thing wise people say to look inside yourself- writing did that for me.

then one day i lost myself trying to love another person. it was as if i wnated to blend in to this man so that there could not be two of us but just him. sounds very romantic and all but there was no such intent. it so happened because of the person i am. i tend to love whole heartedly. i get so influenced that i begin to speak the aame language as my love interest and forget myself, my family so very completely taht i become dependent on that love to nurture me.

unfortunately the honeymoon was shortlived....forget it. there wasn't even a honeymoon. i knew it even before it became apparent that i was in a mess of my own creating. as fantastic that person might have been i had somehow sapped him of all his love by demanding it constantly and in generous measures. i also felt sapped in a way that all i had to give and some more had been taken away from me and not even enough was left to sustain my being. and as if that wasn't really enough physical ailments added insult to injury. my illnesses have weighed heavily on the finances and make me feel guilty for not contributing fiscally.

in turn i became divested of all love, kindness, care and humility. i turned to sloth to shield me from seeing my own disintegration. i sleep and i sleep. i do want to wake up and start exercising in the mornings to fit in to some decent clothes for harish's wedding. but i do not.

i do not want to scream at anyone least of all my daughter and my maid. but that i keep constantly doing. i get easily annoyed, exasperated and teary eyed in that very order, all in a matter of five seconds.

i feel lost and i feel not loved. tenz told me that i should be like a coconut try to keep my core intact but i have forgotten who i am. i have lost myself. i need help. i don;t want to fight and argue with my family as if we were two warring sides. i just want to put down this weapon which seems so stuck to my hand that i can't stop it from hurting my loved ones. i want to gather my self back.