Sunday, February 12, 2012

the birthdy week

a year again has come to pass. i like the fact that my birthday is near the start of a new year. that ways i dnt have trouble chronicling what/how the past year had been. i was thinking about this week last year and what was happening at that time. i was running scared of a woman who was calling up my phone and bad mouthing me. i had gotten two of my burly friends to call her and scare her but she proved too much for those two even and gave them an ear-full as well.

the next remarkable thing that happened in this week was our first holiday together as a family to hyderabad. we had never gone anywhere on our own before this. just the three of us, that is. it was an adventure in itself with bookings in a filthy hotel to having booked tickets on a flight a year ahead of our return dates.but all in all, it was good fun and helped take my mind off the mad woman, which had caused many a sleepless nights.

the government jaab continued with its ups and downs. an explanation here and there. meeting new people. ah! that was where the trouble, which would seep into this new year, waited. when it had finally been decided that we will be leaving for kolkata. i met MS. and i prayed to the gods that i did not want a friend when i was about to leave. i think we- me and the almighty- got confused somewhere. i forgot what i had asked for and He for once chose to comply with my wish. i would not say what happened was a lot of trouble but neither is it the stuff fairy tales are made of. As i wait for my 31st birthday to happen, i hope i am free of this habit of pushing myself into sadness, while thinking about this.

i have high hopes from this year (what does it take, anyway, to hitch your wagon to the stars?) i hope to have taken something from the past year's experiences and keep them close to me. i want to quieten down. slow down. breathe easy. read more. listen more. find my rhythm. find a balance. accumulate. experience. taste. watch closely. learn. sweat. practice.

what do you do?

what do you do when you dont want to do anything? what do you do when you want to howl and cry? only. what do you do when you know you are in the wrong and want to carry on that way? what do you do when there are things more important that just you are waiting for you to take charge and get done? what do you do when you ask yourself innumerable times whats wrong with me and get no answer?
what do you do when exhaustion doesn't bring sleep?
when you involuntarily lie awake in your bed thinking about things that you have no control over?
what do you do when the past returns to address you?

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Three poems

I listen to their sound as they fly above me
in the sky that my apartment building owns
Listening hard for the noise of one that will bring you over a distance of about 3000 kms

It is strange how we became friends over shared journeys
Some on which I brought you along
And others on which you took me with you
Permission was not sought, granted or denied

I smile at a certain memory here and
At a shared anecdote there, as I look at the lights of the aeroplane
That seem to mock at me

As yet another flight has taken off some 3000 kms away and landed here
Closer to me
But you have chosen not to take it
In that you have also chosen to stay afar, at a distance
That I am unable scale
Unable to reason with
So that it would let me be with you

In that you have chosen to go back to being a stranger
And as has been between us
Permission was not sought, granted or denied

I marvel at your small little body
As you run with a ferocity
Ahead of me
Your effort in putting energy every step is only visible to my eyes
To others you seem to run like a gazelle

Its not just your speed that intoxicates me,
The confidence with which you run knowing that I will not let anything come in your way
Leaving on to me to ward off your stronger play mates

Amazes me and I wonder
Why as we grow we loose this sense, this ability to trust w/o reservations
Why as we grow, we spend lives running scared of trusting, loving

Looking at you I re-learn a lot of things
some lessons that were misplaced in the hurry to get here, there, somewhere
In an attempt to arm you with the knowledge of my experience
As I dig in to my past and refurnish my present
I feel love and a smile sprouting
And darling! Am I grateful!

I am glad that I am not your t-shirt or your favourite pair of pajamas
As you squish the strawberry in your hand to check it for wrigglies
The juice drips on to your night-shirt

I was hesitant, well reluctant
To bring to you, these,
Bothered about the stains that I knew will certainly appear on your dress and
on my favourite bedsheet

But as you licked the juices off your wrist
Mesmerised by the colour that your fingers had donned
Not caring if the mass of maroon sitting on your night shirt will leave a reminder of it having been there
And as your father smiled seeing you gobbling up the strawberries

I wonder at the smallness of my heart
Bothered more about blotches on a bedsheet?
On a night shirt
How many such small happinesses must have I blocked reachiing your heart