Monday, November 10, 2014

A love letter

Dear Dear Netra,

I am writing this to you in the hope that it will bear witness to the immense love I feel for you but am not probably good at expressing.

I don't love you like Papa does. For me you are not the perfect child as you are for him. I don't kiss you and smell you and hug you when you sleep like he does. I don't buy you everything that you put your finger on and I don't cry when you bruise your knees, arms, nose or cheeks.

So what is my love all about? For beginners let me tell you that you hold the key to my soul. You are my very 'jaan', just like the 'jaan' that the magician had put in the parrot. You are my that parrot. I like any mother want you to turn out perfect. This roots from the fact that I can't and won't be able to bear anyone point a finger at you or raise their voice ever at you. This privilege lies with me exclusively. Your father also doesn't share it.

This is not the perfect way to love but this is the only way I know. Loving you this way comes naturally to me and this has made me understand how deeply my mother loves me (which though isn't of any help when I get mad at her and so I don't have high hopes from you too!).

The love that I have for you doesn't want to cuddle up with you always but please know that it does so occasionally. My love for you doesn't always make me buy things for you but helps me choose what I know you will adore in your saner moments.

Since the news of the arrival of a sibling was confirmed, you and only you have been on my mind. We went to Palampur for three months because I felt that my pregnancy was a perfect excuse for you to get some adulation from your grandparents before the road became a bit tough. I was worried sick about your comprehension, your handwriting, your drawing classes, your dance sessions and your play time.

My love for you makes me vulnerable and stupid.It makes me yell at you (yes that is my love in action) and cry after giving you a shouting or a slap.

But whatever form it may take my love for you is limitless, inexhaustible and full of what else love!!

And though it hurts me very much when you choose other people over me to listen to or tell me to go away I know it won't diminish my love and that you are just loving me back.

Love you always
Maa