A love letter

-
Dear Dear Netra,

I am writing this to you in the hope that it will bear witness to the immense love I feel for you but am not probably good at expressing.

I don't love you like Papa does. For me you are not the perfect child as you are for him. I don't kiss you and smell you and hug you when you sleep like he does. I don't buy you everything that you put your finger on and I don't cry when you bruise your knees, arms, nose or cheeks.

So what is my love all about? For beginners let me tell you that you hold the key to my soul. You are my very 'jaan', just like the 'jaan' that the magician had put in the parrot. You are my that parrot. I like any mother want you to turn out perfect. This roots from the fact that I can't and won't be able to bear anyone point a finger at you or raise their voice ever at you. This privilege lies with me exclusively. Your father also doesn't share it.

This is not the perfect way to love but this is the only way I know. Loving you this way comes naturally to me and this has made me understand how deeply my mother loves me (which though isn't of any help when I get mad at her and so I don't have high hopes from you too!).

The love that I have for you doesn't want to cuddle up with you always but please know that it does so occasionally. My love for you doesn't always make me buy things for you but helps me choose what I know you will adore in your saner moments.

Since the news of the arrival of a sibling was confirmed, you and only you have been on my mind. We went to Palampur for three months because I felt that my pregnancy was a perfect excuse for you to get some adulation from your grandparents before the road became a bit tough. I was worried sick about your comprehension, your handwriting, your drawing classes, your dance sessions and your play time.

My love for you makes me vulnerable and stupid.It makes me yell at you (yes that is my love in action) and cry after giving you a shouting or a slap.

But whatever form it may take my love for you is limitless, inexhaustible and full of what else love!!

And though it hurts me very much when you choose other people over me to listen to or tell me to go away I know it won't diminish my love and that you are just loving me back.

Love you always
Maa

Comments

Paul S said…
Beautiful!
8:05 PM
Unknown said…
This blog is also your love for her. True love this.
12:43 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Decade of Motherhood: Give in

-
Image
Generally age is counted according to the number of years that you have been on this planet. But then  how do you know what your age is when the role that you are accounting for is a not as old as you? The simple answer would be to say that it would be equal to the number of years you have been in the role.  So, this is one of the most important lessons that I have learnt as a decade old mum. My daughter Netra, more commonly referred to as BhindiSood on social media, was born in 2007. Ah! your eyebrows go up. She bluffs, you think, to keep up with the theme. Dear reader but that is not the case. I might be being generous with myself when I m saying that I am a decade old mummy but I am not really bluffing. I did not (and maybe even now) know how to be a mother to a child who I was desperate to get but knew nothing about raising her for all the unaccounted years in between. But then fear not, this isn't either a self pitying sort of a post nor I intend for it to be a te
Read more

To, The Enablers

-
Image
तबस्सुम कैसी हो? हम सब यहाँ बिकुल ठीक हैं।आशा है की तुम भी सही सलामत होंगी। आज मैं ये चिट्ठी इसलिए लिख रहि हूँ की तुम्हे बता सकूं की मैं अक्सर तुम्हारे बारे मैं सोचती हूँ। सोचती हूँ अब तुम क्या करती होगी, काम पे जाती हो अब भी? कोई मना तो नहीं करता? सास बच्चे संभाल लेती है तुम्हारे पीछे से? वो तो अब बड़े भी हो गए होंगे न? स्कूल जाते होंगे? मुझे अब कोलकाता मैं रहते हुए ६-७ साल हो गए  हैं। जब चंडीगढ़ से निकले थे तो उम्मीद न थी की इतना समय इस परायी नगरी में निकल जाएगा। नेत्रा को याद करती हो कभी? वो इस साल १२ की हो गयी है। उसे तो तुम्हारी याद नहीं लेकिन आज भी जब वो ज़िद्द करती है की मैं उसे खाना खिला दूँ और मैं बहुत थक गयी होती हूँ, तो झट से तुम्हारी याद आ जाती है। तुम होती तो मुझे चाय का कप पकड़ा कर उसे प्यार से फुसला के ले जाती और खुद ही खिला देती। कहती, "मेरे पास आओ नेत्रा, माँ को रहने दो। आओ मैंने तुम्हारे लिए कुछ स्पेशल रखा है।" कितने सारे अंग्रेजी के नए नए शब्द सीख गयीं थी न तुम. कुछ तो तुम्हारे ख़ास बन गए थे। जैसे बॉय, गर्ल, रेफ्रीजिरेटर, टेलीविज़न और स्पेशल जिसे त
Read more

This Pujo, things feel different

-
Image
Yesterday was Mahalaya. I have been living in Kolkata for about 7 years now and have been in the city for every single Pujo since we moved in here.  I just like the vibe of the city, the aura of this place when it is time for the Devi to descend to her parental home from the heavens above. It is a different air that the city breathes in and out. It is different colour, sometimes sharp and sometime languid in its shade that dresses the city of Kolkata when the Durga Pujo approaches. Like a veteran of sorts I know this isn't the best time to be on the roads. I know better than to plan anything because beside eateries everything is going to come to a stand still. Nothing will move and no-one will budge their stomachs filled with Biryanis, Aalooer Dums, Jalepis and Chicken Kashas. But this year things have been different. it seems as if the Pujo has just crept quietly upon us. It seems as if Maa did not come down with the usual fervour. Maybe there is a reluctance in the air that
Read more