Thursday, June 29, 2017

Wo

Wo mujhe kuch to samajhta hai
Kya aur kitna, nahi maaloom
Na kabhi maine poocha
Na usne kabhi kaha.
Kyun? Kya maaloom.

Wo mera naam to leta hai
Baar baar
Likh kar
Kyun? Kya maaloom.

Wo kareeb aana to chahe
Par durr se hi dekhe
Waqt ka jaana
Kyun? Kya maaloom.

Guzrate huye saalon main
Hum roo b roo huye itne
Ki bas
Haal chaal poocha
Na gale mile, na roye.
Kyun? Kya maaloom.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Shikha's birthday

Today is Shkha's birthay. June 23rd. The date arrives every year after June 22, a date that has changed my family's narrative on many levels. Has it affected me? I can't say I guess. But I am the one who probably is farthest from the bitterness that this day and others around it create. Grief is bitter. Something that you have to come to terms with without being able to do anything about it. I mean you can't even laugh it off. My family huddles together in and around June 22.

All of them who were rendered old by time in one powerful blow, come together to sip tea, eat food, talk mundane things and protect each other from the invisible enemy. My sister is courageous enough maybe to call up someone in the family and talk to them about something unrelated which helps them as well as her to wade through the endless pool of time (like the infinity pools in expensive hotels) that June 22 seems like.

I don't have that strength. I feel like breaking down every five minutes and if I am busy with the kids I do not even understand why is it happening to me till the date strikes me. If by any chance anyone from the family calls me up all I do is ho humm. How would I help someone wade when I am drowning? So, I reach out to Shikha. I call her a day in advance to wish her happy birthday. She knows about it maybe.

I called her yesterday. She called me baby. I liked it. She knows the power these few days have over me. I think she doesn't mind that invariably for the last four years I have called her up a day earlier to wish her birthday. She offers me a virtual hug which I take gratefully. Does she know that I call her up because I need a distraction, not the impassive type like a book or some program on TV, but something more solid? Something or someone that knows about the incident. I doubt it. I too discovered this just yesterday after she told me I was calling her a day early. As usual. She did not evade the topic of  June 22. After tackling it we spoke about schools and how children are growing up fast. We spoke about her party, summer holidays, how much Abir talks and our parents.

Today I messaged her with all my love. Today was her birthday.


Monday, June 19, 2017

When your life is going nowhere

This is what I asked Google. What could have I been thinking before putting such words out in the world? Yahi na, that some gyaan ganga will open up for me. I will be directed to some great suggestions by people who are now past this feeling and have a rocking life writing and making money out of blogs which are read by people like me whose life is going nowhere. Or maybe some Youtube videos by new age babajis who have answer to anything, from objective to subjective.

My life has been stuck or should I say I have been stuck at this question since Saturday night. Why, asks George Clooney's voice in my head from a movie I can't recall. Shouldn't this be my own voice, I try to reason and then realise I don't care because as I write here I am dreaming of some great person happening to my lame blog and realising my great potential and taking me under their wing.

Now the Clooney is replaced by Sridevi but the question remains. I can't focus on the question because it is the Sri voice from the song O meri Chandni and you have to know the song to know how  annoying she sounded in that.

All in all what Clooney and Sridevi have done is made me lose the context of why my life is stuck and what to do about it. I am really keen on doing  something about it if only these voices in my head would stop.

My brain just gave me a Guru Dutt-esque stare. Like lifting his eyes to meet mine without a smile on those thin lips, looking for an answer which isn't there.

Instead i go back to a stale packet of matarphalis. Some anmol vichaar page is blinking on my screen. Maybe I should go check it and whoknows I might find a few answers there.